What a good Personal Statement looks like.

Imagine holding a baby wearing doll clothes and a diaper made of gauze because she was too small. When I was 4 years old, my sister was born 4 months prematurely, weighing only 1 pound and 7 ounces. The doctors had no idea if she would survive. She was put in a neonatal intensive care unit for 12 weeks. I remember the numerous long trips to the hospital, wondering if my sister would ever come home. After 12 weeks, she finally arrived home and my dream of becoming a doctor took root. I will never forget the joy the physicians brought to my family; those feelings of hope, alleviated distress, and miraculous awe motivated me to strive to become a doctor. By caring for my sister and observing the sensitivity the physicians had towards my family and I, I have discovered deep resources of calmness and empathy within myself, and an unending dedication for aiding others that will remain with me forever.

Ten years later, I was a freshman in high school and my sister was a healthy 5th grader. Unexpectedly, she had a seizure during school. The doctors were not sure what caused it, but told us what to do if it happened again. While I hoped it would never reoccur, I also hoped that if it did, I would be there this time. One day, at home, she had another seizure. Instead of being scared or sad, I recognized my responsibilities and committed to helping her. I calmed her down and in a few minutes the seizure was over. After, my sister and I held each other crying while she thanked me for being there for her. This experience solidified my desire to become a doctor. When my sister was vulnerable, she found comfort in me and I was able to care for her, just as the doctors did when my family needed them. As I reflect on this moment, I realize that in times of emergency, when most are panicked, I remain unflustered. My calming manner allowed me to approach the situation logically, rather than allowing my emotions to overwhelm me in this extremely frightening and stressful situation. This has shown me the importance of remaining calm and projecting calmness in order to provide a necessary support system for those struggling medically.

In college, I was drawn to extra-curricular activities that aimed to better the lives of children and those who are less fortunate. In my freshman year, I joined “Dance Marathon”, which hosts an annual event benefiting children staying at UF Health Shands in Gainesville. Each year, hundreds of Dance Marathon participants stay awake and on their feet for 26.2 hours to raise awareness and money for children fighting pediatric illnesses. I participated in this event all 4 years, raising over $6k for the Children’s Miracle Network, in the hopes that in the future, every family could be as lucky as mine and have a tiny loved one come home alive and healthy. This experience allowed me to see my own resilience, dedication, and a willingness to put in significant effort to help others. Dance Marathon made me part of something bigger than myself, impacting the lives of sick children around the world.

Dance Marathon sparked my interest in pediatric disorders, so in my sophomore year, I shadowed multiple physicians at the UF Health Child & Adolescent Psychiatry Clinic. I noticed that the first-time patients were less inclined to open up and viewed being there as a punishment. Frequent patients were more comfortable expressing how they felt, because the physician had adjusted her behaviors appropriately once getting to understand them. This taught me the importance of a strong doctor-patient relationship in order to have effective treatment. After interacting with various patients, I wanted to prioritize my work with children, so in my junior year I began neonatal research at the McKnight Brain Institute. I assisted and performed Western blots, ELISA detections, protein assays, and histological experiments. When cutting and mounting tissues for histology, I ran into problems and had to communicate to my supervisor the mistakes that were made, so we could resolve them together. This taught me the importance of working collaboratively with others to achieve desired results. Being in a lab and analyzing findings fueled my love for learning and cultivating a deeper understanding of the medical field, so that I can continue to fight for those who can’t.

What my sister went through pushed me to strengthen my knowledge in medical education, patient care, and research. These events have influenced who I am today and helped me determine my own passions. I aspire to be a doctor because I want to make miracles, like my sister, happen. Life is something to cherish; it would not be the same if I did not have one of my four sisters to spend it with. As all stories have endings, I hope that mine ends with me fulfilling my dream of being a doctor, which has been the sole focus of my life to this point. I would love nothing more than to dedicate myself to such a rewarding career, where I achieve what those doctors did for my family. Their expertise allowed my sister to get all the care she needed for her heart, eyes, lungs, and overall growth. Those physicians gave me more than just my little sister, they gave me the determination and focus needed to succeed in the medical field, and for that, I am forever grateful.

Analysis of the Essay

Strengths

  1. Engaging and Personal Narrative

    • The essay starts with a vivid and emotionally impactful story about the applicant's premature sister. This personal connection immediately draws the reader in and creates a compelling reason for their interest in medicine.

    • The narrative is deeply personal, and the author does an excellent job of weaving in experiences that highlight empathy, resilience, and a genuine motivation to become a doctor.

  2. Demonstration of Key Qualities

    • Empathy and Calmness: The applicant effectively shows their ability to remain calm and provide emotional support during their sister's seizure, a critical skill for physicians.

    • Dedication to Service: Activities like Dance Marathon and shadowing pediatric psychiatrists demonstrate a sustained commitment to helping others and exploring the medical field.

  3. Variety of Experiences

    • The essay covers a range of relevant experiences, from personal caregiving to research and extracurricular activities. This variety shows a well-rounded individual with both emotional and intellectual readiness for medical school.

  4. Growth and Reflection

    • The applicant reflects on how each experience, from shadowing to research, contributed to their development. This self-awareness highlights their ability to learn from challenges and grow professionally and personally.

  5. Clear Motivation for Medicine

    • The applicant repeatedly connects their experiences to their desire to pursue medicine, particularly pediatrics. Their passion feels genuine and deeply rooted in personal and professional encounters.

Weaknesses

  1. Overuse of Emotional Appeals

    • While the emotional aspects of the essay are powerful, the repeated focus on the sister's story might overshadow other experiences. This could make it seem overly reliant on a single narrative to justify their interest in medicine.

  2. Limited Depth in Some Experiences

    • Some experiences, such as shadowing and research, are mentioned but not explored in detail. For example, the specific impact of shadowing physicians or how research findings were meaningful to the applicant could be elaborated upon.

  3. Repetition of Themes

    • The essay repeatedly emphasizes the applicant’s calmness and empathy, which are valuable traits. However, these points are revisited without adding much depth or new perspectives. This could make the essay feel somewhat redundant.

  4. Lack of Focus on Challenges

    • While the applicant mentions challenges, such as mistakes in the lab, they do not delve deeply into how they overcame these obstacles or what specific lessons they learned. Including more detail about overcoming adversity could enhance the essay.

  5. Structure and Flow

    • The essay covers a wide range of experiences, but the transitions between them could be smoother. At times, it feels like a list of accomplishments rather than a cohesive narrative leading toward the goal of becoming a doctor.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Provide More Specifics

    • Expand on the shadowing and research experiences to show how these shaped the applicant's understanding of medicine and confirmed their career choice.

  2. Balance Emotion and Professionalism

    • While the personal connection is a strength, incorporating more professional and clinical experiences could create a more balanced portrayal of readiness for medical school.

  3. Focus on Challenges and Growth

    • Highlight specific challenges and demonstrate resilience by discussing how these experiences helped develop critical skills or perspectives.

  4. Improve Transitions

    • Ensure smoother transitions between sections to create a more cohesive narrative. Each experience should clearly build upon the previous one and connect to the applicant’s overall motivation.

  5. Reduce Repetition

    • Avoid repeating the same traits (e.g., calmness and empathy) without adding new insights. Instead, focus on showing a broader range of qualities and skills.

Conclusion

This essay is compelling and demonstrates the applicant’s passion, empathy, and dedication to medicine. By balancing the emotional narrative with deeper insights into professional experiences and challenges, the essay could become even stronger. With minor adjustments, it effectively conveys the applicant’s suitability and readiness for a medical career.